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Dating struggles as a strong bisexual woman

Quarantine has given me a lot of time to reflect on my dating life. I have been single for 3 and a half years, so as you can imagine, I've hit a few bumps in the road.


Let's start by establishing one thing: I am not scared of confrontation. I am not afraid to say t someone "I didn't like that you did that". Now, not many people like that. People is a strong word. I'm talking about cis men. If I had a pound for every guy that got defensive after I've said "please don't call me babe" I'd have at least twenty quid. Not an unreasonable request, but more often met with an unreasonable response. I am allowed to want to be addressed by my name. Shocking, I know. Or if I have said no to something, like sending nudes, and the guy pushes for it and I hit them with a "was there something about the word 'no' that you didn't understand?" For some reason that doesn't go down well either. Men love a strong girl until she opens her mouth.


The other issue with not being scared about confrontation is that if the guy I am seeing knows that there's a chance I'll actually express that I'm not happy with something, they'll opt to not tell me so that I don't end things and thus keep having sex with them. I have dealt with my previous relationship traumas and problems and in a hope to move past them, I like to believe that people are telling me the truth rather than my insecurities getting the better of me and second guessing everything I'm being told. And then I find out that what was being said to me was bollocks, and it makes it very difficult to put myself in the frame of mind of "each person is a different person and what happened last time is not a reflection of what will happen this time" when the same thing keeps happening. I would like to tell you that I shouldn't have to ask the guy I'm talking to if he has a girlfriend, but it has become apparent that I do. Or if when you say "yes" to us being in a relationship, you actually mean "no" so that I don't leave because I am struggling to keep my emotions out of the sex (I don't count this as a proper relationship because it was built on a lie and we were only "in a relationship" for a month.) I view myself as more than a sex toy, and would like to be treated as more than one.


Being seen and treated as an equal is very important to me. I never made a very good sugar baby because what a lot of the men wanted was to a younger, tighter girl who will let them do and say whatever they want without consideration of the objectification or feelings of the sugar baby. I am not one to take this lightly. I am not an inferior and I will not be treated like one. But by the same token, I find that when I am dating women, my dominant and confident personality gets me put in a 'protector' role in the relationship. I am a very independent person (I will talk about this more later), and having someone rely on me or be needy like this makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It is not something I can deal with at all, and so at the slightest hint of this, I'm out. This also applies to the bedroom - I'm not dating someone who doesn't go down on me but wants me to do so for them. I've had enough selfish partners to know that I'm better off not having one than having the dissatisfying sex they provide (no shade).


Being an independent person comes with it's own struggles. If someone is not treating me the way I want or meeting my standards, they're out. I don't need a relationship and I will not devalue myself or small myself just to be with someone. On my part, this can mean that I don't see people long enough to find out if they are a someone I could call my girlfriend or boyfriend because before we even went in the date because they asked for my number and when I gave it to them, they gave me theirs and told me to add them on whatsapp and I deemed it lazy and didn't bother (you can't ask for my number and then give me yours and want me to add you - you ask for it, you add me). If it is only me starting the conversation, a common problem in the world of modern and online dating, then I'm not going to stay to find out if you are interested - the lack of energy to start a conversation with me comes across as disinterested (even if you do actually like me) and I'm not going to try and change that, and that will be the end of things.


One thing I have noticed is I attract a lot of introverted/shy people. Sometimes this is fine - I am happy to talk, and they are happy to listen. But when it comes to things like going out and parties/clubbing, they tend to not be interested. This can cause friction. I find it emotionally draing to stay in all weekend and they find it emotionally draining to go out and be surrounded by lots of people. It is often difficult to find a compromise.


My final struggle is I'm very defensive. Until I know what someone is up to, I am going to be suspicious and defensive. If you want to just have sex with me, then say. If you want to date me, then say. If you just want to be friends, then say. But I'm not going to be all nice and lovely if I don't know what your intentions are. I am protective of myself and I do not want to waste my time or get hurt. So I like to make sure that isn't going to happen. It can push people away, and that is something I have to accept, but if that is the price I have to pay, then so be it.

To conclude, I am not an easy date. I am loud, rowdy, opinionated and I will shout at you. But nevertheless I am true to myself. If I have to change who I am in order to be in a relationship, then I am never going to be happy. So I'll learn to deal with my dating struggles because I'd rather have them then roll onto my back for every person I swipe right on. However, there is something to be said for them though - they do lead to great stories.

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